First man: 4 ways to relationship with father

Cold, indifferent, detached, withdrawn, absent are only some associations that arise in many women when it comes to their fathers. On the topic of how important a relationship with father role in the life of a girl/woman, written and said a lot. But to ascertain the facts is not enough.

After all, what to do to those who have not had a relationship with your father? Who never uttered the word “dad”, referring to someone specific? If you are at a point of anger and anger at your father because he was not around or was he too cold/demanding?

Relations with the father are very important. Perhaps you do not glue with men right now because you can not trust them, as you do not trust your father. You understand that your low self-esteem is his business, and the search for older men is also due to the lack of love and lack of attention of the real father.

So, you understand all this. But this is not enough. Absolutely. This is only the first and very small step in solving the problem. And even the mountains of books read, the river of tears weep and drunk with the girlfriends of tequila will not solve it. Because of all this – only anesthesia of the wound and helps no more than applying the plantain to the broken knee.

The next step is to decide how to treat the situation. Mature choice of an adult’s position, what to do next, not to live with this feeling of discomfort of a disadvantaged child. Do not stumble over the fact that someone has a good dad, but not you. And here in your hands is the choice of solution, how to treat your past, how to build a relationship with father here and now.

I propose to analyze real strategies, how to establish relations with your father and the consequences to which they lead. If he is no longer alive or you really do not have the opportunity to contact him, it does not stop you from reconciling with him in your heart and head. A little rewrite the past and shed some light on this “dark spot”.

Relationship with farther back in the past

Without understanding the origins of the problem, it is impossible to move forward. Until you analyze your experience of communicating with your father, what grievances you have for him, what claims to him have not been expressed, you can not build a lively, open relationship with him in the present. How to conduct an audit of the past, choose you. This process will be most effective in the psychologist’s office. But if you are not ready for personal therapy, start with independent attempts. Get a diary of memories, in which you will write down everything that is connected with the father. Read more: 10 signs of psychological violence in relationships

Even if he never lived with you, you still have a certain image of him. For example, what your mother / other relatives told you, your own fantasies, thoughts about him, insults – all this shapes your attitude to him here and now. Write down all the memories, not depriving your father of either good or bad. Be ready that you will raise a grudge for not being the father you dreamed of.

Find the reflection of the father in the present

So, you “returned to childhood” and again met with all the insults, big and small, on your father. Because I’ve never been a daddy’s princess. For the fact that he was never there. Because whether his parents divorced, because whether his work/ hobby/friends were for him in the first place. It does not matter why he was not there as a full participant in your life. The fact is that all the emotional work was performed by a mother/ grandmother/guardian and the feeling that you are loved and needed from the first man of your life you did not get. Read more: What is worth knowing about circumcision for every man

How does this fact affect your present? That’s what you need to understand first. What fears have your insults for your father incarnated? Have you allowed a distrust to spread to all other men? Can you be feminine? Do you allow yourself to be weak and defenseless with your partner?

I want to give an example from the book of Alice Bowman “How to save a marriage if the prince turned into a frog. ” The author, on her own example, dealt with common family problems. And, here’s what an interesting conclusion came in the course of introspection: she was afraid to repeat the experience of the parent family.

The fact that her mother wanted to divorce her father, but was too weak for this, without it, she could not cope with anything. And, Alice decided that this would not happen to her. She asked her dad to teach her how to twist the bulbs, change the oil in the car, do all the work that the male is supposed to do. She also decided to provide for herself completely, so that she could never depend on anyone.

On the one hand, this is an excellent quality – to cope with their problems on their own. But it was this “total independence” that nearly destroyed Alisa’s marriage.

Drop the projections

Unprocessed relationships with your father can prevent you from building a psychologically healthy relationship with other men in the present. Such “interference” will appear in projections that do not allow to see a real person in front of him. And instead, projections give men hidden motives, character traits, which in fact there.

You may think that your new acquaintance (very nice, by the way!) Became interested in you, just because you can help him get settled in your company. And behind this fear is the father’s shadow, which inspires you that you can not just like a man so much.

Of course, to understand that you can protect your children’s feelings to others and stop doing it are absolutely different things. Projection is one of the strongest psychological defenses, and if it has arisen, it means that your psyche needs it. Therefore, the support of the therapist will be an effective means to understand what the projections are hiding and how to safely part with them.

Change your attitude towards your father

You probably know such examples, when already adult children themselves are trying to build relationships with their parents. Consciously, from the position of an adult they make contact.

You can even, despite the “negative background” of the relationship with father, sincerely want to improve them and take active steps to meet them. Having worked baggage of negative emotions, you can begin to initiate meetings and communication with your father. Create anew your emotional connection.

You can build a new relationship with father. Reconcile with him and not seek protection/ compensation/recognition from other men. Stop blaming my father for my failures and feeling sorry for myself that everyone had the good dad, but you do not. Whatever was your father, he gave you life. It can not just be “cut off” and pretend that it never existed.

The best way for you is to meet your feelings towards your father, reconcile with them and thereby gain access to your inner resources.